it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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