So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
