my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
