just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
