OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize