Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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