I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
