He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
