The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
