This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
