Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
