Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
