I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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