Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
