Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Randomize
