I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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