You're my little dorito
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
