woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
