Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
