I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
