I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize