John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
try to milk me bitch
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