Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
