Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
