Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
