he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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