after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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