If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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