Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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