i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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