I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize