The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
