Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
