in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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