So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
