just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
