Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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