I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Randomize
