she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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