gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
