I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
