i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
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