I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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