Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
