I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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