Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
