I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
