I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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