She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
