so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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