By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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