i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
