he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
