wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
